Jerk

I spent the morning at the library. After the library I cuddled with and loved on my niece (who is precious). When I showed up for work at 1pm I was half asleep. Right about then, this conversation took place.

me: "Hey how is your day going today? Everything alright?"
coworker: "Shitty, I just found out an ex who I shared a bank account with took out all the money I deposited yesterday. Now I have no money, I can't buy gas and I'm running on E."
me: "Man I'm really sorry"

Why is it that I couldn't give this coworker the $9 cash I knew was sitting in my wallet? I feel like a douche bag. I kept trying to justify it and thinking douche bag like things like "Well maybe you shouldn't have a joint account with your ex" and "I'm on a tight budget, I only have a 1/4 tank of gas to last me the rest of the week" or "I have debt I could put that 9 dollars towards" and "I barely know this person"

Why was it so hard for me to show some grace? I hate that. I want to just love freely and not feel so held back by worldly thoughts and silly rationalizations. I really should apologize to that person tomorrow. Will I? Will I feel too embarrassed or uncomfortable? Even though I know those feelings don't matter will I be tricked into believing they do? I find no pleasure in walking away from those experiences thinking "What the hell was that about Lindsay? Why were you such a jerk?"

Tomorrow will be better. I know I can do better. If I commit to loving others then I know I really have to commit to loving them even when it's uncomfortable. I know this is a life long process. So I am sorry if you happen to be one of the learning lessons!

Standing next to the open oven

I swear that's what summers in Gainesville are like. Actually probably worse. It's freakin hot. You get the idea. Maybe I can spend next summer in Alaska. Unless it's the time of year where they have absolutely no sunlight. Anyways Summer 08 = Somewhat Serious Lindsay. I'll explain.

* I seriously got on a budget ; I am seriously paying off debt and loving Dave Ramsey.

*I'm serious about my workout schedule.

*I'm seriously studying a lot when I'm not working or working out.

I also recently went through what I like to consider the American right of passage for becoming an adult:

While driving, I got sick of music and wanted to hear people talk. Yes, I've been listening to talk radio. I feel very adult like. I love it.

Besides all the seriousness I'm still having fun! Hannah is way cool and it's a neat experience being here so far. Watching Adam and Meredith with her makes me want to passionately love people. It's really beautiful.

I have noticed lately that I don't feel as friendly in public as I used to. If I feel that way then it's probably true and thats a crappy realization. I need to work on that.

I saw Sex and the City last weekend with Evelyn, Heather and Maribel from work. It was AWESOME! Yea I know that I don't live that way and that few people do. I would never spend $500 on shoes. Watching those women makes me love dresses and high heels. It also makes me appreciate my friendships. Even though the show is a show and not real, it dealt with real problems women face and it made me hurt for those women who relate. Just another reminder of how sad the world is. It also made me want to move to NYC that night.