Jerk

I spent the morning at the library. After the library I cuddled with and loved on my niece (who is precious). When I showed up for work at 1pm I was half asleep. Right about then, this conversation took place.

me: "Hey how is your day going today? Everything alright?"
coworker: "Shitty, I just found out an ex who I shared a bank account with took out all the money I deposited yesterday. Now I have no money, I can't buy gas and I'm running on E."
me: "Man I'm really sorry"

Why is it that I couldn't give this coworker the $9 cash I knew was sitting in my wallet? I feel like a douche bag. I kept trying to justify it and thinking douche bag like things like "Well maybe you shouldn't have a joint account with your ex" and "I'm on a tight budget, I only have a 1/4 tank of gas to last me the rest of the week" or "I have debt I could put that 9 dollars towards" and "I barely know this person"

Why was it so hard for me to show some grace? I hate that. I want to just love freely and not feel so held back by worldly thoughts and silly rationalizations. I really should apologize to that person tomorrow. Will I? Will I feel too embarrassed or uncomfortable? Even though I know those feelings don't matter will I be tricked into believing they do? I find no pleasure in walking away from those experiences thinking "What the hell was that about Lindsay? Why were you such a jerk?"

Tomorrow will be better. I know I can do better. If I commit to loving others then I know I really have to commit to loving them even when it's uncomfortable. I know this is a life long process. So I am sorry if you happen to be one of the learning lessons!